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Is my partner having an affair or being unfaithful?

Austin Investigations | Article: Is my partner having an affair or being unfaithful?

Serving the M1 Corridor: Northampton, Milton Keynes, Bedford Luton, Leicester, Banbury

01604 643576  |  07838 488 566

It doesn’t matter what you call it. Cheating, An affair, Infidelity, Betrayal, An Extra Martial Affair, Being Unfaithful; the suspicion that your partner is seeing someone else behind your back still hurts just the same whatever one calls it.


If you suspect that your partner is having any of the above, it is a constant worry and a question that will eat into your very soul.


The anxiety of not knowing for sure will play on your mind for every waking moment of the day and when you should be sleeping the worry will keep you awake.


Your first reaction will be “Am I being paranoid?”


“Perhaps he or she did have to work late over the last few months.”


“It might well have been a business trip that took them away last week.”


“That weekend away last month was really a stag or hen weekend for that friend at work that you haven’t yet met.”


“They really are just tired; that is why they haven’t been as attentive sexually as they used to be.”


Unfortunately if you are a normal rational person and your suspicions have been aroused then experience and statistics show that you are probably right and your partner is seeing someone else.


You could sit back and hope that your suspicions are unfounded or alternatively if your partner is being unfaithful, that they are not serious about this other person and it is just a flash in the pan which will fizzle out given time.


That is fine and if that is how you want to deal with it and you can live with the doubt and feeling of betrayal then it is definitely an option.


If you are less forgiving or of a more proactive character and want to take control of the situation then you have several options available to you.


First be realistic and consider if there is anything in your own behaviour that has pushed your partner away? Is there anything you can do as “A quick fix” that may rectify the situation without letting on that you have doubts about their fidelity?


Take a step back and analyse their behaviour over the last few weeks. There are many signs that a partner is having an affair and we have listed a few in the next section.

However there are too many to go into in detail and we would encourage you to read the various articles on the subject contained upon the internet


1.Sudden changes in their appearance.

They have suddenly altered the style of their clothes, hair style or body shape, enthusiastically attending the gym for no apparent reason; when wild horses wouldn’t have got them there before.


2.They become emotionally distant and their attitude changes towards you.

You notice that they avoid being alone with you. Where they used to hold your hand or cuddle up to you in the evening or in bed. They no longer hold your hand in public.


3.They exhibit guilty behaviour.

Guilt-ridden behaviour is a giveaway that your partner is hiding something. They suddenly start to shower you with gifts or attention, frequently complimenting you for no particular reason.


4.Secretive, Unusual or Unexplained behaviour.

They become elusive about their whereabouts, when they expect to be coming home, hushed and secretive telephone calls, a willingness to run errands to get out of the house, seeking excuses to get out of the house at the weekends.


But the best one of all is your own instincts. You know your partner. When their behaviour changes and those alarm bells start to ring in your head then there is usually a very good reason. Don’t ignore your instincts, trust them.


The situation is difficult because you do not know and have no way of knowing how serious the relationship is; or is likely to become with this other person.


Although it may not seem so at the present moment in time you are actually in a unique position to gather information, and evidence within a time frame of your own choosing.


You will need to use this unique opportunity to your advantage and gather as much information as you can. After all you are still together and living in close proximity.


Your first instinct will be to challenge your partner about your concerns especially if you have two or three suspicious incidents that you can highlight to him or her. We would advise you not to do this.


To do so:-

  • Will alert your partner that you are on to them. If they are intent on continuing with the relationship in the future even with your suspicions raised it will cause them to be more careful and clandestine in their movements and actions, making the task of evidence gathering more difficult.

  • Without possession of irrefutable evidence and facts to confront your partner with. Any challenge will be weak and likely to fail.

  • If your partner comes up with a plausible explanation for what appeared to you to be concrete evidence of an affair at the beginning of the conversation. Their subsequent explanation may place you in a position of doubt; not knowing whether they are telling you the truth or not. Leaving you questioning your own judgement. You are in a vulnerable enough position as it is without this extra burden to contend with.

  • Later on in this process if your instincts are correct you will probably be entering into negotiations with your partner. Whatever path you choose to follow in the future. This current point in time is the stage where your actions will result in a better outcome for you at the end of the process. Either emotionally, financially and frankly for your own feeling of self-worth and general wellbeing.

  • This is also true whatever the outcome. If you choose to stay together or split up. In fact by taking swift positive action and nipping the situation in the bud before things get out of hand. You can actually assist in keeping the marriage on track and in our experience has kept couples together.

  • A commanding position of strength gained from knowing all the facts will assist in negotiating a program of counselling or marriage guidance if this is felt to be helpful which will ultimately improve your relationship and hopefully secure it for the future.


Alright so you have decided that your partner’s recent activity is suspicious and warrants further investigation. How are you going to progress that course of action?


We suggest that you contact a reputable Private Investigation Company. Our contact details are contained within our website at www.austininvestigations.co.uk.  Most organisations will offer a free consolation service and having discussed your problem with you, will offer advice on how to proceed within your own budgetary limits. Remember a few hundred pounds spent at this stage may save or make you many thousands in the future when you are sitting in a Divorce Court. Or even save your marriage (if you want it to be saved) and who can put a price on that.


During the consultation with your chosen Private Investigator (PI) they will normally agree with you, you’re objectives for the operation, a strategy to take the case forward and the tactics to be deployed within your particular budget limitations.


During the first stage of the investigation the PI will normally establish if your partner is seeing someone else and if they are identify the individual concerned. If required they could also establish where that person lives and their marital status. The PI will normally obtain visual evidence in the initial stages of your partner and the other person together.


Once this stage has been completed you can review your options.

Now that you know who your partner is seeing you may wish to establish how frequently they are meeting and where. Or guide the enquiry in a particular direction. Again this can be agreed with your PI at each stage of the operation having reviewed the evidence.


After completion of the first stage the PI will be able to provide the visual evidence for you; in either the form of photographs or video footage.


Imagine how confident you can be confronting your partner telling them that you know they are having an affair; and then rebutting their predicable denial because they think you only have a suspicion of what they are doing without any proof.


The satisfaction of hearing your partner denying your allegation, trying to persuade you that you’re imagining everything, and then being able to produce photographs of the two of them together. They can’t bluff their way out of that one.


It may well be that having established who the other person is you foresee a real threat to the survival of your marriage or relationship and do not wish to show your hand at that stage.


This will give you the option to take action in other ways, for example to secure your assets and possessions. This can be done without the knowledge of your partner. Again this does not preclude a mutually agreeable solution later that keeps the marriage or partnership together.


However knowing what is going on provides you with a heads up enabling you to put safeguards in place to secure your position.


It may sound cold and calculating to discuss your situation in this way especially at this early stage; but experience has shown that further down the line there may be distasteful, upsetting discussions, and arguments between the two of you concerning who gets what.


Preparation and planning will assist you position on how the assets of the relationship are divided between the two of you.


Questions like the custody of the children and access to them (If there are any) who keeps the pets. All manner of difficult and frankly horrible discussions are looming just beyond the horizon.


It is better that you equip yourself with all the information that you can to strengthen your position for whatever course of action you intend to take.  


By taking action in this way you will feel empowered, taking a little more control of the situation. Your chosen PI will offer professional support and advice assisting with the experience and wisdom gained from previous similar cases.


By taking action now before you and your partner have separated will prevent the possibility of allegations of harassment which are often a factor after a couple have separated where courts become involved making orders about contact and being in close proximity to one another. Obviously this issue does not arise when people are still co-habiting.


To find out more information or to discuss your own particular problem, contact Austin Investigations Ltd on 01604 643576.